Detective Theo
by ifyouknew
Summary: Theo comes across an interesting conversation in Hogsmeade. (DM/HG. Sort of a crackfic. ONE-SHOT.)


**A/N: **For Round 2 of Prompts: Elimination Style by **paradox . bookjunkie**over at HPFC. Prompt: "Will you please stop _humming_?"

This is sort of a crackfic, by the way. ;)

* * *

><p>Theodore Nott was in no way an eavesdropper, and, as such, he was definitely <em>not <em>eavesdropping on Draco and Granger in the alley outside the Three Broomsticks. At least, if you asked him, he'd say that he just happened to pass by, but everyone knows that he was there all along, trying to catch a word or two from their conversation.

Now, Theo didn't have a problem with the Granger girl. Her blood was not an issue to him, she was rather clever, and he had to admit that she wasn't a pain to look at. But what he _did _have a problem with was that Draco kept sneaking off to see someone, and that someone turned out to be her. Again, he wasn't bugged by the someone being her, he was bugged by the fact that Draco was hiding this from him all along. What were best friends for if they kept this kind of secrets from each other?

But let's go back to the point. Draco and Granger — did he have to call her Hermione from now on? — were arguing quite loudly in said alley. He rested his body against the wall and began listening. Alright, maybe he was eavesdropping, but he was just concerned for his friend. Contrary to popular belief, Slytherins _did _have feelings.

"Draco, _honestly_—" Ah, Granger's catchphrase.

"Don't you _honestly _me!"

"But—"

"We're not ready yet!" Draco had always had a tendency to speak in plural when he was nervous.

"You mean _you're _not ready yet!" _Aforementioned tendency._

"Well, no, if you put it that way, I'm not ready yet!"

"Why?" Yes, her need of knowing everything was quite annoying. Maybe that was a con.

"Granger, you don't understand—" Another often-used phrase in Draco's vocabulary.

"Try me."

"But... But you know why!"

"Look, I really _do _get it. But we can't keep.. _doing_ that!"

"Doing what?"

"Hiding when we could just tell everyone! Do you think anybody will care?" Theo would care. And he'd be damn happy about it.

"How do you even expect me to—"

"I don't expect you to do anything. I just want you to be happy." He resisted the urge to vomit. _Sappy_. So, so sappy.

Silence.

More silence.

_Bloody _silence.

And then smacking sounds. No—_lip _smacking sounds. Bloody hell.

Moans. _Bloody _hell!

A sound very similar to a body being slammed against a wall and more moans. _BLOODY _HELL!

Couldn't they at least try to screw each other's brains out somewhere else?! The kids were going to be scarred for life! _He _definitely was!

"Draco—Draco, there are people here." Oh, so now that he would probably never be able to look Draco in the eye again, she decided to be a prude!

"Who cares?" _EVERYBODY!_

"_I _do!"

"Oh, honestly, Granger—" And that was when the pointless conversation started. Pointless, mind you, but entertaining.

"Now, _you're _the one that's doing it!"

"Doing what?"

"The _honestly _thing!"

"Ugh."

"Don't act exasperated with me!"

"Okay, mum." _Oooooh. The game is on._

"Oh, so now you're going there."

"Yes, mum."

"Draco."

"Mum."

"Would you snog your mum?"

"What? Ew! No!"

"Do you see where I'm coming from?"

"Sure. Wanna snog again?" Typical Draco.

"No. I'm not in the mood right now." He could just picture Daphne saying _You go, girl!_

"Sure you don't. You supposedly weren't in the mood yesterday, either, but I still have scratch marks on my back." _TOO MUCH INFORMATION!_

"True."

The pointless conversation actually had a point; it led them to snogging again (weird much?). Theo was fed up, and so he decided to give Draco, as muggles called it, the blue balls.

"While the bad-boy-good-girl relationship is a classic, I never thought I'd see it on you two!" he exclaimed, appearing from his hiding place. The snog-birds broke apart, their gazes immediately averting to him. Draco, as Theo predicted, was clutching his hands together while his mouth twitched uncontrollably, probably biting back every insult in the dictionary, while Granger — no, _Hermione _ — was looking at her shoes like they were a copy of _Hogwarts: A History_ (that book must have been her favourite in the whole wide world, with the times she had read it).

"Theo!" Draco smiled in a way that said _You will be dead by the end of the week. _"What brings you here?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe the fact that it's a Hogsmeade weekend?"

"Ah, always the sarcastic one, I see." _Oh, look who's talking._

"You could say that."

"Um, I'll just... go," Granger (at this point, he had given up on his attempts to call her Hermione) said, shuffling on her feet awkwardly before rushing to somewhere.

He chuckled. "You got a girl."

"Shut up," Draco said, rolling his eyes. "You scared her off."

"So?"

"A mate doesn't scare his mate's girl off when the second mate is about to..." He stopped abruptly when he saw McGonaggal pass by.

Theo waited until their female teacher was out of sight, and said "You're kidding, right? It's Granger we're talking about." He nodded to the direction Granger had headed off to.

"Alright, maybe we wouldn't..." Flitwick walked past them, not aknowledging them. "But that _was _something."

"Why Granger?"

Draco raised an eyebrow at that question. "Why are you asking?"

"Because she's not your type."

"How would you know my type?" the blond boy inquired, his eyebrow still threatening to go past the sky and the universe itself.

"I'm one of your best mates."

"I don't have a type."

Theo coughed, resembling Umbridge in a male tone for a while.

"Well, I _have _a type," Draco admitted, raising his shoulders. "But she's... _damn_, you know?"

"No, I don't know. How can a woman be _damn_?" he asked sarcastically, imitating the other boy's tone.

He brushed off the sarcastic comment. "You know what I mean."

"No, I genuinely don't."

"Look, I don't know. I really don't _know_ what it is about her." And with that, Theo got a brilliant idea.

"Her appearance, man. She's not that bad-looking, now that I think about it," Theo said, for the sole purpose of annoying him.

Draco glared at him. "Say one more word. I dare you."

"She's actually quite pretty. Nice legs," he continued, waiting for his reaction.

"Stop talking." He made a noise that resembled a growl.

"And did you even notice that she's developed—"

"I'm going to hex you and feed you to my owl." _Score! _

"Chill, mate, I was joking. Don't feed me to Flyboy." He raised his hands in defense.

Draco smirked. _Uh-oh. _He knew that smirk. How did he get himself into this?"How about I start talking about Daphne's—"

"Oh, no, you don't!" He put his hands over his ears, turning around. He didn't want to make a total fool of himself by shouting _LALALALALALALA_, so humming was a better option.

"I didn't even finish my sentence! And will you pleasestop _humming_? It's annoying!" Before Draco could make his innocence (what was left of it, anyway) completely fly away, he ran to the entrance of the Three Broomsticks. He looked around and spotted Daphne and Pansy; the latter was glaring at the Weasel chick and Potter.

He shook his head before fully entering. "Classic," he muttered to himself, referring to the two love-birds he spotted earlier. That matter was _not _going to be left alone.

He went to sit with his fellow Slytherins, the incident completely forgotten. At least, he wanted Draco to think so. Boy, would he know what hit him.

The next day, as planned, the relationship between the Slytherin and the Gryffindor was not a secret anymore. Theo was rewarded with a bunch of mashed potatoes on his head during lunch, but it was worth it.

The Dramione relationship, as he liked to call it, would go down in history.

Next relationship in Theo's list to uncover: Blaise and the Weaselette. And then the Weasel King and Pansy. And after that Longbottom and Lovegood. Merlin, how did they fit so much sexual tension into _one _school? And how did nobody else seem to notice?

He smirked. Maybe he had the nickname "Detective Theo" for a reason. Even though it was just Blaise being a sarcastic little git (which was Draco's job, but he let it slide).

He'd have to ask Daphne to call him Detective Theo more often. Especially during _certain _parts of their days.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** That ending line was an innuendo and I do not regret writing it. ;)

Feedback is welcome.


End file.
